The Worst Pick Up Ever

Once upon a time I was in law school and I wasn't happily married. During this period I would often go out to study at Starbucks or occasionally Barnes and Noble.

I don't study without coffee. I have standards. Actually, I'm not sure I do much of anything without coffee...

And from time to time in those single days I'd get picked up. Most were completely forgettable, but one, one stands out in a blaze of awful glory.

See, I was a single mom back in those law school days and so full evenings out to go study at one of my favorite places, Barnes and Noble, were few and far between. But this night one of my best friends offered to man the fort (or man the Lulu) while I tried to catch up.

I had picked Barnes and Noble because in the old days they didn't have internet. And no internet means more studying.

Because I know all I'd do is check Facebook, CNN, and eBay

I found a table - a whole table to myself. Opened my books and put in my headphones.

And everyone knows putting in headphones is the international sign for go F off.

I think I had been studying maybe 15 minutes when I got a...

"Hey.."

I turned and looked and saw two guys sitting at the table behind me. Average looking guys - probably early 20s.  One of them tapped me on the shoulder and again said 'Hey' with a huge grin. I sort of made production of taking out my ear buds, putting a marker in my book, and said 'Oh sorry - did you need the outlet or something?"

Guy: "No, no it's cool. We're just studying. I don't need to plug my laptop or anything. You studying too?"

Me: "Yeah...actually, I have a lot of studying to do."

See? I don't think you caught it, but I was kind of busy.

Guy: He pulls his chair around and gets *realclose* to my chair. "Oh yeah, me too. Lots cuz like I'm trying to you know get through this class at community college man. What are you studying?"

I really REALLY just want you to go.

Me: "Um, law and actually I'm really behind...."

Guy: "Law! Wow you're too pretty to be studying law (which makes about strike 5 right now). Could have used you when I was trying to get off parole."

Me: "Oh...yeah parole, yeah" (I'm fumbling at this point)

This is how it would have gone down

Now he stands up and comes sits at my table and closes my book and moves it. Like its nothing. And at this point I'm screwed because I realize Holy crap, I not going to be able to tell him to go shut the hell up and let me study because it would feel too impolite.

My internal Miss Manners was really screwing me

So he starts to tell me about how he was in Florida and he got in with a bad crowd and they pressured, made him really, sell drugs. How he got caught. How he'd had a rough upbringing and he used to like to party but now he only liked to drink and smoke pot. How he remembered how terrible it was sitting on the caged bus driving off to a detention center (but not prison apparently I was really confused at this point). And it made him think of these moments in his childhood....

And the world ended. And then a collision. And then swampy soupy things. Then they came out of the water and grew legs and then thumbs and then built things like chairs where this guys was sitting and STILL telling me his life story.

And this whole time I'm just sort of nodding and completely impotent to stop this epic autobiography. Finally he seems to near the end and tells me:

Guy: So you know I really decided to turn my life around and so I'm starting community college and I really want to help people you know like really help them. And I wanted to be a doctor but the chemistry stuff is too hard (actually - had to agree with him on this). So I think I'm going to be doing Sociology because its about how you can transform as a person...

Wrong. It's about how you can transform as a person.

I had kind of zoned out but then he lifted up his shirt. Not just a little bit. He almost took it off. In the middle of Barnes and Noble. And revealed.... (no B.S.)

Ok, obviously I didn't take a picture but it was Optimus Prime and it went from his waist to his armpit. Not exaggerating. Not a bit.

Guy (and this one is a direct quote): "And so I got this so I could always remember that people can transform themselves."

I stuttered. I stumbled. I think I said something like 'Wow, that's quite the tattoo' because he reached in his wallet and fished out this tattoo artist's card and told me I should really go seem him next time I wanted a tat.

Then he asked me for my number.

Ok...ok..he was only smoking pot these days. But tell me its not funny.

Epilogue: I didn't give him my number, said I had to go home, and later that night someone busted in my car and stole my laptop and all my law books (true story). But Barnes and Noble made it up to me because that's where I met my husband. Who doesn't even have one Transformers tattoo.

So how bout you? Bad pick up story? Do share!