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| "For you see Mother, when we divest ourselves of our needless Earthly worries we can ascend and achieve Zen" |
And while he's not wrong, and kids are totally awesome, they are the same tiny critters we always seem to be telling 'no' to...(and mostly with just cause)
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| No Isabella, drawing on Sissy is not Zen. It is not Zen at all. |
1. More is More...and Even More is Even Better
Whoever said "less is more" was smoking something. Whether its glitter or Hershey's kisses or mud on your shoes or ammo in your nerf gun, more is better. An art project is not complete while there are still supplies available for gluing and the piece has not exceeded its tensile strength. You cannot wear too many necklaces or too much lipstick. There is no such thing as 'too much fun' and the Berenstain Bears "Too Much Birthday" is a complete fabrication.
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| See this? This here is not even nearly enough eye shadow. You can clearly still see my cheeks. |
Remember how I said more is more? This totally applies to outfits. In the morning your mom might tell you your clothes don't match - get around this by say, wearing all yellow. It matches if it's all the same color or print. Stands to reason.
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| Why oh why didn't I put on my cheetah shoes? |
3. The Best Way to Get Treats is to Make Sure You Handle or Lick Everything on the Tray
This trick is amazing. If you touch all the food the parents suddenly don't want it. Sneeze on it if you can. Better yet let them see you pick out a super deep wedgie and then reach in the bag of chips. I promise you - they're all yours after that.
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| And when he's done licking you - go grab a handful of nuts from that bowl over there... |
Back in 1993 when they first introduced their Sun Ripened Raspberry line, the old B&BW knew they'd never sell soap without some serious fear factor. Wash your hands? With soap as well? Life is too short.
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| Germs? I don't think they exist... |
True Lulu story: Last Christmas I took Lulu to Hobby Lobby and she wanted to go check out the ornaments. She saw something akin to this:
Lulu: Look Mama! Its God, Mary, and Jesus!
Me: No baby that's Joseph, Mary, and Jesus...
Lulu: But isn't God Jesus's dad?
Me: Yes, but Joseph was Mary's husband - he was kind of like Jesus's bonus dad.
(Lulu is quiet for a moment and glares at the ornament)
Lulu: (in that really loud shocked outrage) So wait - you're telling me that God had a baby with some other guy's wife?!!!
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| No sweetheart, the Holy Trinity is not like an episode of Maury... (faceslap) |
Parents get lonely easily. If you're not around them, they might cry (only you wouldn't see it because grown ups don't get sad). So be with them. If they go to the bathroom - follow them. Open the door. If they tell you they need privacy - don't buy it. They are just playing hard to get. Night time? Crawl in bed with them. Mom's eating? Its the BEST time to plop down next to her on the couch.
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| If you love something, smother it. |
Sometimes parents will manage to find some quiet time alone. You should interrupt this whenever you can. No one is really sure why they tell you you can watch whatever you want on TV and they lock the door but since it doesn't involve you - you should be very suspicious. If you have siblings, this is the right time to look for allies. Nothing gets your parents out like babies crying...
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| There can only be one...er two |
Long story short - Buddy the Elf had it right. You should especially wary of any foods that are naturally green. Now if they're artificially green on the other hand...
9. Sharing is Fine - Just Give Away Those Toys You Hate
At some point, they're going to try to tell you share. Don't panic. There's a good work around for this. Smile (try to look very genuine) and go quickly find a toy you hate. Make sure its not a class D absolute crap toy because they're bound to see through that. Best to look for a nice old Barbie you really don't want. You should probably keep some old toys you don't like at all and pretend you care a little so you get share credit...
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| Why would this even be in a toy room? Did only half blind 90 year old nuns quality check this? |
Did you just lose a game of Hi Ho Cheerio? Who cares? IT'S A STUPID GAME ANYWAY.
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| Lulu: Mom, I think this barbie is broken. Whatever. I hate it anyway... |
The world is an interesting place. You should talk about it. Often and in a very loud voice. Go ahead, ask your Great Grandmother what she thinks about death. You should definitely comment in a loud voice about the bad parenting skills of the guy with the kid who is having a tantrum in the ice cream aisle. Ask the cashier if she gets to keep any of the money from the store. Do it - you're just curious. And curiosity is a good thing.
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| "Mommy, your tummy is really fat. Just to let you know." |
Never take no for an answer. Parents aren't really sure what they want. Sure they just asked you to simply walk only 3 cans and not 6 to the recycle bin...but why? They told you you could only have one cookie after dinner but is this the right thing to do? Haggle. Make a deal. Try this:
Mom: Lulu, eat your dinner.
Lulu: No - give me bites. How many bites?
Mom: 10 bites.
Lulu: No that is way too many! 4 bites!
Mom: 7 bites, big dinosaur bites, or no dessert
Lulu: 8 bites! And then dessert...
Mom: Deal.
See? That was easy.
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| Admittedly, Lulu needs to work on her negotiating skills |
If there is broccoli on your plate - eat it last. Toy with it. Because there is a good chance your dad might get irritated and just eat it for you. You don't want to clean up your room? Don't. Its a good time to really need to go to the bathroom...or organize your Legos...or pull out all the stuff in the top drawer of your dresser. If you delay long enough all the bad things will go away.
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| Remember what I said about foods that are naturally green? |
Never go to bed. Never. Not only is your closet filled with wolves, there are zombies under your bed. And Plankton from Sponge Bob might come steal your money if you fall asleep. Plus sleeping is boring. You could be doing fun stuff like trying on Mom's shoes or strategically placing toys at the top of the stairs. You don't even need sleep because you know that you are never actually tired...
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| This was photo shopped, obviously. |
They really are suckers for that one.
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| Parents, they're so predictable...but you gotta love em |
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