The Hoard

Maybe you don't know this, but I was on bed rest for several months with both my pregnancies. Talking about the totality of the suckage that is bed rest is really its own post so all I'm going to say right now is that bed rest = a lot of tv watching.

I'm not a huge tv fan. I mostly listened to audiobooks and played video games (I'm not sure that's better?)

I'm good so long as I'm the British or the Dutch. I'm a hot mess as the Russians.

But you know, you're up there bored as hell in your bed, and eventually the tv goes on. Now there is just a lot of crap on tv. Most of it is legitimately unwatchable.

Why? Why? I mean, TV has made Friends and Cheers and Breaking Bad...why this? I'm pretty sure Mighty Morphin Power Rangers had more depth than this...

Then there is the junk that really should be unwatchable and yet you watch it anyhow. Like a moth to flame. Like a train wreck you can't turn away from. Like the rest of the Doritos in the bag. You know you should change the channel. You know you're better than what you're watching. Only deep down you know you aren't. You have to watch.

I friggin love this show. I have no excuse and while my lovely husband likes to joke that he's going to start sleeping with one eye open he totally gets into it when I turn it on.

And finally there is Hoarders. I'm not sure what to say about Hoarders. I don't really seek it out. I'm more likely to binge on Yard Crashers, but whenever it's on I have to watch it. And I don't think I'm alone here. I found out about this show because friends would talk about it - in a whispery kind of way - saying how it is awful and disturbing but they couldn't look away.

There is this bizarre appeal to the show. Something delightfully horrifying. Something depressingly familar. Something that is a cross between a cautionary tale and a 'there but for the grace of God go I' sort of thing.

Holy crap. A level fiver. Dead bodies? I mean, do I even want to know?

The thing is I think Hoarders scares the crap out of everyone. I mean look - on it's face it's disturbing. People putting their 'waste' in bags on the living room floor. Rodent infestation. Old food (I just shuddered thinking of that). My husband flat out refuses to watch the show. But beyond the veneer of awfulness is the knowledge that clutter is like some kind of modern Hydra waiting for you to get distracted and then multiply and take over your life.

You know, or you just switch addictions and let coke do it for you... :/

I feel like deep down I'm kind of a frustrated anti-hoarder (and no, people who know me, no yelling, dammit woman have you seen your art room?! Especially you hubster <3). The fact is that I would really like to go through everything I own and get rid of/ organize it all and be left with this gorgeous home. But it never quite happens.

I'm pretty sure if I cleaned up my whole house and bought purple lights it wouldn't look exactly completely unlike this picture.

My problem is The Hoard.

For me The Hoard is not (thankfully) a bunch of dead cats I've been collecting...(probably).

Good money's on her watching the whole episode anyway...

For me The Hoard is the accumulated mass of crap that I have had since undergrad, because I realized that I've been meaning to do the 'Great Clean Out' since circa 2005 but have not and have instead simply moved and grown the hoard through five states and almost a decade. I think I still have unpacked boxes from senior year somewhere.

I'm not a graphic designer (I'm barely competent in Paint) but if I could I think The Hoard would be anthropomorphized like this:

Only The Hoard doesn't sing and give me mystical advice

I have often tried to analyze why I have not yet tackled and destroyed The Hoard. There are many obstacles.

1. Invariably every time I get rid of something or clean it out - I need it. Case in point, I had 2 paint brushes in my car that my husband cleaned out. 3 days later I took my grandmother to paint pottery and their brushes sucked. I thought "Oooo, I'll go grab the brushes out of...DAMMIT!"

I think they call this negative reinforcement?

2. I have an inner tree-hugger. Every time I throw something away that could be useful I feel extreme and irrational amounts of guilt. 

I feel like I'm simultaneously starving Jean Valjean's sister's children and endangering adorable species all in one go

3. I don't know where to start. If I clean out one room the excess is going to need a place to be put away ...like one of the other rooms...which isn't cleaned out.

It's like Jenga. Or M.C. Escher. Or the Gordian Knot. Definitely the last one.

I think the key move here is to clean out the entire garage and build shelving units but that requires I learn carpentry and it not be summertime in Texas...

4. But then when I clean up one area it seems to magically pop up in another area.

Nope. Nope. Can't win. Nope.

5. So I think the answer is plastic tubs. If I hoard anything it's probably plastic tubs.

When I find the elusive configuration of the correct size/number of tubs all my mess will magically disappear.

6. I had a yard sale once. It scarred me and I wasn't prepared. People showed up early before I could even price stuff and I'm pretty sure people stole stuff and it ...it just wasn't fun. No not fun at all.

These guys (and this is actually my street) were nothing compared to the vultures who descended upon our community garage sale. It was scary.

So I sit, amidst the chaos, and just sort of make peace with the fact that I am not super organized sleek grown up lady but am instead Frat-Boy-In-Thirty-Year-Old-Woman's-Body. But then Hoarders comes on and....

I get a good solid 30 minutes of fear driven cleaning per episode

I'm still pretty sure the answer is more plastic tubs....