The Hoard

Maybe you don't know this, but I was on bed rest for several months with both my pregnancies. Talking about the totality of the suckage that is bed rest is really its own post so all I'm going to say right now is that bed rest = a lot of tv watching.

I'm not a huge tv fan. I mostly listened to audiobooks and played video games (I'm not sure that's better?)

I'm good so long as I'm the British or the Dutch. I'm a hot mess as the Russians.

But you know, you're up there bored as hell in your bed, and eventually the tv goes on. Now there is just a lot of crap on tv. Most of it is legitimately unwatchable.

Why? Why? I mean, TV has made Friends and Cheers and Breaking Bad...why this? I'm pretty sure Mighty Morphin Power Rangers had more depth than this...

Then there is the junk that really should be unwatchable and yet you watch it anyhow. Like a moth to flame. Like a train wreck you can't turn away from. Like the rest of the Doritos in the bag. You know you should change the channel. You know you're better than what you're watching. Only deep down you know you aren't. You have to watch.

I friggin love this show. I have no excuse and while my lovely husband likes to joke that he's going to start sleeping with one eye open he totally gets into it when I turn it on.

And finally there is Hoarders. I'm not sure what to say about Hoarders. I don't really seek it out. I'm more likely to binge on Yard Crashers, but whenever it's on I have to watch it. And I don't think I'm alone here. I found out about this show because friends would talk about it - in a whispery kind of way - saying how it is awful and disturbing but they couldn't look away.

There is this bizarre appeal to the show. Something delightfully horrifying. Something depressingly familar. Something that is a cross between a cautionary tale and a 'there but for the grace of God go I' sort of thing.

Holy crap. A level fiver. Dead bodies? I mean, do I even want to know?

The thing is I think Hoarders scares the crap out of everyone. I mean look - on it's face it's disturbing. People putting their 'waste' in bags on the living room floor. Rodent infestation. Old food (I just shuddered thinking of that). My husband flat out refuses to watch the show. But beyond the veneer of awfulness is the knowledge that clutter is like some kind of modern Hydra waiting for you to get distracted and then multiply and take over your life.

You know, or you just switch addictions and let coke do it for you... :/

I feel like deep down I'm kind of a frustrated anti-hoarder (and no, people who know me, no yelling, dammit woman have you seen your art room?! Especially you hubster <3). The fact is that I would really like to go through everything I own and get rid of/ organize it all and be left with this gorgeous home. But it never quite happens.

I'm pretty sure if I cleaned up my whole house and bought purple lights it wouldn't look exactly completely unlike this picture.

My problem is The Hoard.

For me The Hoard is not (thankfully) a bunch of dead cats I've been collecting...(probably).

Good money's on her watching the whole episode anyway...

For me The Hoard is the accumulated mass of crap that I have had since undergrad, because I realized that I've been meaning to do the 'Great Clean Out' since circa 2005 but have not and have instead simply moved and grown the hoard through five states and almost a decade. I think I still have unpacked boxes from senior year somewhere.

I'm not a graphic designer (I'm barely competent in Paint) but if I could I think The Hoard would be anthropomorphized like this:

Only The Hoard doesn't sing and give me mystical advice

I have often tried to analyze why I have not yet tackled and destroyed The Hoard. There are many obstacles.

1. Invariably every time I get rid of something or clean it out - I need it. Case in point, I had 2 paint brushes in my car that my husband cleaned out. 3 days later I took my grandmother to paint pottery and their brushes sucked. I thought "Oooo, I'll go grab the brushes out of...DAMMIT!"

I think they call this negative reinforcement?

2. I have an inner tree-hugger. Every time I throw something away that could be useful I feel extreme and irrational amounts of guilt. 

I feel like I'm simultaneously starving Jean Valjean's sister's children and endangering adorable species all in one go

3. I don't know where to start. If I clean out one room the excess is going to need a place to be put away ...like one of the other rooms...which isn't cleaned out.

It's like Jenga. Or M.C. Escher. Or the Gordian Knot. Definitely the last one.

I think the key move here is to clean out the entire garage and build shelving units but that requires I learn carpentry and it not be summertime in Texas...

4. But then when I clean up one area it seems to magically pop up in another area.

Nope. Nope. Can't win. Nope.

5. So I think the answer is plastic tubs. If I hoard anything it's probably plastic tubs.

When I find the elusive configuration of the correct size/number of tubs all my mess will magically disappear.

6. I had a yard sale once. It scarred me and I wasn't prepared. People showed up early before I could even price stuff and I'm pretty sure people stole stuff and it ...it just wasn't fun. No not fun at all.

These guys (and this is actually my street) were nothing compared to the vultures who descended upon our community garage sale. It was scary.

So I sit, amidst the chaos, and just sort of make peace with the fact that I am not super organized sleek grown up lady but am instead Frat-Boy-In-Thirty-Year-Old-Woman's-Body. But then Hoarders comes on and....

I get a good solid 30 minutes of fear driven cleaning per episode

I'm still pretty sure the answer is more plastic tubs....

Key Lime Pie

Yummy and Tart!

So real Key Lime Pie is not green. It's not super sweet. It is, however, super tasty.

It isn't a hard dessert to make - and while there are a couple pieces of equipment that help you can do it with stuff you already have. The only time consuming part is juicing the key limes. Not going to lie - that part takes awhile.

Key Limes are not like regular limes and you can't substitute them out. Luckily most dedicated groceries stores (i.e. HEB or Publix vs. Walmart/Target) carry key limes. I've found them in IN, GA, and TX.

The sugary sweet of the graham cracker crust and whip cream help offset the super tart lime custard - it is the perfect summer treat! I was going to garnish it with some sliced key limes but...I threw them out without thinking (still kicking myself) I will definitely re-post with a better picture next time I make it!

Special Equipment:

1. Glass pie pan
2. Food processor (or baggie and meat tenderizer/fist)
3. Juicer (or elbow grease)
4. Sieve
5. Microplane grater

Ingredients:

for Crust

1.  1 1/4 cup crushed graham crackers (about 9) - make sure they are plain and not cinnamon
2. 2 tbsp sugar
3. 6 tbsp melted butter

For Filling

1.  1 can sweetened condensed milk
2. 1/2 cup plus 1 1/2 tbsps key lime juice
3. zest of 1 key lime (for added tartness but you can omit)
4. 4 egg yolks

For Topping

1. Premade whip cream
or
1.  1 cup heavy whipping cream
2.  2 1/2 tbsp sugar
3. 1 1/2 tsp vanilla

Directions:

1. Preheat your oven to 350F

2. Juice your key limes. This may take you awhile which is why I suggest doing it first.

I slice a bunch of key limes in advance so I don't have to keep stopping to cut more

I like to use a juicer, then I strain into a measuring cup.

My key lime juice and zest

3. Make your crust. Crush your graham crackers into tiny crumbs. I've done it with a baggie and my fist but it is WAY easier with a food processor.

It took 30 seconds. It was awesome.

Add your sugar to your crumbs and mix. Then add your melted butter to create a loose crumb mixture.

I had a super cute helper!

4. Press your crust down into your pie plate. You don't need grease because of the butter. You may have extra crust.

All dumped in.

The pre-baked crust - all pressed down

5. Bake the crust for 10 minutes.

6. Meanwhile, mix your condensed milk and 4 egg yolks. Then whisk in your key lime juice and zest.

7. When your crust is done, take it out. Leave the oven on. Pour your filling into the still hot crust.

It will look a lot more yellow. My camera was being weird.

Bake for about 15-18 minutes until set (i.e. if you shake it gently it won't slosh)

Pie is baked!

8. Cool your pie completely and then cover and chill for 6 hours or overnight.

9. When you are ready to serve - make your whip cream by beating all your whip cream ingredients until stiff peaks form. Then top your key lime pie with whip!

All done and ready to devour!

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

When I was a kid I used to love the grocery store. I wanted everything in it. I wanted to try to cook everything in it. I used to want to go through the produce section and know what every kind of fruit and vegetable was. My favorite aisle was the spices - I wanted to read about every one. I sort of felt like I was this special genius chef child and my mother was lucky to have me.

Holy crap this 14 year old kid is a 5 star chef. He started learning because he hated his mother's cooking. My retroactive jealously gears are in hyper-drive. #Couldabeenme

When I became an adult, my mother told me how after epic 2 hour trips to the grocery store with me she'd sometimes finish buckling me in, shut the minivan door, and fantasize about maybe just not getting back in the car....

I like to think it was because she was too embarrassed to be seen in that lame ass van...

Then I got older and go could to store by myself and it'd be awesome because I could take my time looking at all the awesome ingredients and come up with all kinds of recipe ideas. I just couldn't buy any of it because I was a poor broke undergrad.

Yeah, you're going to need to scale that sirloin and potatoes au gratin down to hotdogs and mac 'n cheese.

Three Cheese Lasagna

The best part about this recipe is that it makes one for now and one for later!

Lasagna is one of those foods that can look kind of intimidating because of all the layers and ingredients. But really its a simple dish to put together once you know how! Also, it freezes well and makes for great leftovers. It is also a fantastic dish to make for a friend who just had a baby!

She just made a human. She shouldn't have to make dinner.

The Worst Pick Up Ever

Once upon a time I was in law school and I wasn't happily married. During this period I would often go out to study at Starbucks or occasionally Barnes and Noble.

I don't study without coffee. I have standards. Actually, I'm not sure I do much of anything without coffee...

And from time to time in those single days I'd get picked up. Most were completely forgettable, but one, one stands out in a blaze of awful glory.

See, I was a single mom back in those law school days and so full evenings out to go study at one of my favorite places, Barnes and Noble, were few and far between. But this night one of my best friends offered to man the fort (or man the Lulu) while I tried to catch up.

I had picked Barnes and Noble because in the old days they didn't have internet. And no internet means more studying.

Because I know all I'd do is check Facebook, CNN, and eBay

July Challenge Day 13: And This is Why I'm Fat

There is a website called This Is Why You're Fat. If you haven't seen it - you should check it out. It is an orgy of food that is practically preparing the first degree murder of your arteries.

This is a Cronut. A croissant donut. It makes me ashamed, but I'd probably eat that.

A lot of the foods on there are things made by depraved calorie hoarding individuals at home

A bacon mug filled with cheddar. Perhaps..too much bacon? I think I just blasphemed

Making Martha: Ginger Chicken Stir Fry

This was devoured in probably under 20 minutes...

So while this recipe technically falls under 'Making Martha' as it is from one of her cookbooks, it's actually one of the few recipes that doesn't leave out vital steps or assume the home cook had, say, about 2 years in an elite French cooking academie. But that might be because this is from the editors of Martha Stewart Living (read: minions) and so is for us neophytes...

All that being said - its flipping delicious. I was straight up surprised at how yummy this dish is. And so with no further ado here is my take on this dish. (Obviously this is not wholly my recipe but I did add all the detailed steps I used)

15 Life Lessons as Learned from my 6 Year Old Girl

Everyone on Facebook/the Internet/ Chicken Soup for the Soul Vol. 349 has heard stories of little children in their wisdom and innocence (isn't that kind of a contradiction in terms) teaching adults valuable life lessons.

"For you see Mother, when we divest ourselves of our needless Earthly worries we can ascend and achieve Zen"

The author Paulo Coelho (who I actually really like and own most of his books) said "A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires.”

And while he's not wrong, and kids are totally awesome, they are the same tiny critters we always seem to be telling 'no' to...(and mostly with just cause)

No Isabella, drawing on Sissy is not Zen. It is not Zen at all.

So after reading the story of the child who asked his dad for $100 to buy an hour of his time being posted for maybe the zillionth time on Facebook this afternoon (not hating on you for posting it by the by, it's a cute story) I decided to compile my own list of lessons learned from observing the fabulous Lulu.


1. More is More...and Even More is Even Better

Whoever said "less is more" was smoking something. Whether its glitter or Hershey's kisses or mud on your shoes or ammo in your nerf gun, more is better. An art project is not complete while there are still supplies available for gluing and the piece has not exceeded its tensile strength.  You cannot wear too many necklaces or too much lipstick. There is no such thing as 'too much fun' and the Berenstain Bears "Too Much Birthday" is a complete fabrication.

See this? This here is not even nearly enough eye shadow. You can clearly still see my cheeks.

2. The Best Way to Make Sure You Match is to Wear Only One Print

Remember how I said more is more? This totally applies to outfits. In the morning your mom might tell you your clothes don't match - get around this by say, wearing all yellow. It matches if it's all the same color or print. Stands to reason.

Why oh why didn't I put on my cheetah shoes?

Semi From Scratch Chicken Teriyaki

We eat this dish a lot around here

I love LOVE LOVE takeout. Only its kind of bad for you. And it gets very expensive. So I'd been trying to learn to make homemade Asian take out for quite awhile now. I still have loads to learn but I have managed to make some delicious Teriyaki.

Its semi from scratch because I do use pre-made Teriyaki sauce as my base - eventually I'm going to upgrade to totally from scratch, but this will do for now.

However, even more than the sauce, the technique is important. Its all about cooking the chicken fast and getting that perfect serving of fluffy white rice. I've made this recipe about a dozen times and it has yet to fail me.

Make sure you read through the instructions carefully BEFORE you cook though - it's all about how you cook your meat!

July Challenge: Week 1, The Sleep Rebellions, and Lord Byron Goes to Die

First off, apologies for the delay in posting - Hubstar settled one of his cases and didn't have to prep for trial (yay!) and so we went out of town to visit the in-laws last minute. Only it was fun because I don't have evil in-laws (actually they are really awesome - go ahead, be jealous)

Am I the only on who ever wondered if Focker ever took a moment to ask himself if Pam was really worth it?

And on to the first order of business which is to report that Week 1 has been a success, though admittedly I haven't made it to the gym yet.  We pulled through. We did not cave.

Thursday: Easy. I wasn't cooking, I just had to show up and eat awesome food. My mom, who doesn't/ shouldn't cook (sorry Mama), recently married a guy who is an excellent cook. And much rejoicing was done by all who remembered the egregious food wrongs perpetrated upon us as innocent children...

Breaded coagulated peas, mushy carrots, and 'corn'? Yep - she tried to make us eat these. NEVER FORGET.

Red White and Blue Strawberries - Super Easy

Whipped these up real fast when I realized I didn't have time to make Fourth of July Cookies

Raspberry Cheesecake Brownies

 

Loved them with my coffee this morning

These use the same base as my Cappuccino Brownies but rather than have a coffee flavor they have raspberry! (Duh.) I was trying to come up with something sweet and fun to make for the Fourth and when I saw raspberries on sale I thought I'd test out this idea I'd been kicking around.

Before I come up with a recipe, I always poke around the internet for other ones to get ideas. I saw lots where people put the whole raspberry in the batter and lots where people used jam, but I really wanted to try it out with raspberry sauce. I was a little worried it might not set up - but it did and I love these! They are ooey and gooey and fudgy.

Note: If you don't want to make a raspberry sauce from fresh fruit, you could sub out Raspberry preserves. It won't have the same fresh flavor but I am 98.2% sure it would still be very delicious.

July Challenge Day Three: Teriyaki and the Awkward Condom Commerial

Holy crap it is quiet in my house. And legit nice quiet, not suspicious quiet.

This is an old pic of LuLu who tried to use the bathroom by herself and came back like this. That is the wrong kind of quiet. Please note the toy bomb in the background.

LuLu is spending the night at a friend's house. Baby J is asleep in his swing. Hubs is at work. I have a nice huge iced latte (remember that didn't count!). I'm not even sure what to do right now.  Like I kind of want to take a long quiet bath, or maybe finish cleaning out our room, or read Night Watch, or finish painting the shelf I'm making for the bathroom, or I don't know there are just so many options...

Probably vacuuming is the sucker's choice...

July Challenge Day Two: A Quick Check In

Ok - so I was going to write about commercials and kids but that's going to have to wait for tonight. I'm not posting this one on facebook or anything because it won't be awesome. 

I just want to say - Day 2, still going. No cheating. I did have to switch to the 'easy dinner' of pesto tortellini because hubs got stuck going to an event last night and at 6:00 pm I spent 25 minutes waiting outside Starbucks with both kids for someone who never showed up (you know that was fun).
Worst part: I couldn't actually go inside because I was just picking up papers and it was supposed to be super fast. It was like torture.

Whatever dude, last week I would have cheated and had Hubstar pick up something or I would have gotten Thai but I was good. I did not cheat. Yay me.

One last thing: today was supposed to be gym day but LuLu's friend invited her over to go swimming and I can't tell her no. And no, I won't even pretend lounging in the pool is tantamount to gym. I have not yet stooped so low.

Annnd...release

Making a Homemade Pizza - Dough Recipe Included

Its making me sad that there isn't any left in my fridge :(

So I found out something new today: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is back. Not the movie with Megan Fox, I knew about that one...

I think it's safe to say they're heading in a different direction...

This one's on Nick Jr or something and LuLu told me all about it. She was so excited I didn't quite have the heart to be like, ya girl I know all about TMNT.  Anyhow - obviously Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made me think of pizza so I figured it was a good a time as any to get a post on making pizza together.

You can't argue with that kind of logic

Hubs and I made our weekly trip to Half Price Books and I found this gem for about $7.00: Pizza by Pete Evans and it is from his recipe I adapted my own.